Keep Your Head Up
by Kisses on the Bottom
Summary: You've gotta keep your head up; sometimes, that's the only way to get through tough times.


AN: I wrote this at my friend's house at a sleepover last night, while she was playing Cause of Death for the first time. I'm happy to say that I was the one who showed her the game. I actually cried a little inside while writing this, but it's meant to be a one-shot. I don't own Cause of Death, but I do own Thomas. This story was partially inspired by _Forrest Gump._

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><p>Mal Fallon had the handsomest eyes you could lay yours on. Mysterious, deep blue, like the edge of the sea. Gentle aqua, like the whitecap waves you would observe at the beach. Light grey, the color of the sky when a storm is passing by.<p>

It was a tragedy that he would never be able to open those eyes again.

Natara Fallon stood in front of a neatly-carved marble grave, engraved with beautiful words that couldn't even begin to describe her loving husband.

Mal Fallon.  
>1978-2024<br>A wonderful father,  
>Husband,<br>Brother,  
>and Son.<br>He will be missed and always loved.

She let the tears fall from her stinging eyes as she ran her finger over those marvelously true words. Her heart felt like it weighed a ton in her chest—she couldn't even begin to cope with the heavy burden that had just been placed on her back.

"Mal."

Natara painfully whispered, and to her surprise, her throat was sore and raw from heavily crying and not speaking for the past few days.

She leaned over and began to place the most beautiful flowers she could find in the grass next to the grave. Mal deserved nothing less- he was the man of Natara's dreams. The sunlight to her darkest days. The dessert to her bitter times. The love of her life.

And he was gone.

Natara swallowed hard and sighed heavily as more tears that had accumulated in her eyelashes slid down her cheeks. She didn't bother wiping them off, but got on her knees and placed her lips to the picture of Mal stuck to the grave, right next to the perfect words, kissing it quickly but tenderly. She knew that Mal would never be able to kiss her back. He wouldn't be able wrap his arms around her waist as he let his lips run free with hers again. He couldn't brush his hand gently across her cheek anymore.

And he'd never be able to hold little Thomas's hand ever again, lifting him up into a piggyback ride as he placed his baseball cap onto his son's head.

"Mal," Natara spoke again, this time, her voice regaining a bit of composure as she managed to speak. "I miss you, Mal."

No answer.

The wind simply whispered in Natara's ears as she let it whip at her long, dark hair and sting her cheeks. It seemed to mock her, yet send a feeling of comfort down her spine as she inhaled deeply, trying to let the words that were stuck to her lips escape.

"Everyone misses you. We all loved you, and always will."

Her voice was surprisingly smooth and calm as she went on.

"We got the guy that killed you, Mal. I hope you know that. Just in case you didn't know, I'm telling you." A sad smile formed from the corners of her mouth. "We gave him the death penalty. I hope he's not with you right now, Mal. I hope you never..." her voice turned into a whisper. "...ever see him for as long as you exist."

Natara let her neck roll backwards as she faced the sky, wondering where Mal was. She imagined that he was in the stars, living in Heaven, where he belonged. Or maybe he was sitting next to her right now, in the form of a spirit. Perhaps he was watching Natara as she stood up, her hand gently brushing the top of the stone grave. Natara didn't care if he was watching her or not...she needed to know that he was listening.

"Mal..." she went on. "God, it hurts so much to say your name." She almost began to cry again, but sighed as she swallowed the bitter feeling. "Guess what?"

Again, the wind blew softly.

"I love you, Mal. I love you so much. And I'll always adore you for as long as you're up there..." Natara eyed the spacious sky above. "And guess what else?"

More silence.

"Thomas is doing well, too." Natara continued, her mind drifting to their five year-old son. "He starts school next week. He's a great reader, knowing all his sight words and vowels. Math is another thing he's bright at. He's so smart, Mal. Just like you. Even though you never really showed your marvelous knowledge to me much, I know you were brilliant."

Autumn leaves rustled gently as Natara took another deep breath, inhaling the taste of dry crackers, which was all she was able to munch on these past few days. She had lost weight, but that wasn't a worry that was stuck to her head.

"Thomas misses you, Mal. Yesterday, he told me that he doesn't know what he's going to do without you." Natara's eyes filled with more crystal tears as she felt another breeze tease at her hair. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you, either. You were always so helpful, even though you never really thought much of it."

She went on. "I remember the time when you assisted Kai in painting his living room because you felt bad that his apartment flooded and ruined the paint on his walls. Do you remember that?" Natara spoke to the handsome photograph on Mal's grave. Her heart thumped loudly as she deeply wished that he was listening to her. "And Kai was so happy because you weren't always very nice to him. He was surprised, too. He didn't know that you had that helpful side to you. But I knew. I always knew you were sweet and caring."

Natara's brain flooded with random memories she had shared with her husband.

"It's funny, Mal." Her voice broke the silence in the cemetery once more. "Funny how we don't remember important things on our schedules, but we always recall the most random memories. I'm experiencing that right now."

A bluebird fluttered down from a nearby peach tree and perched itself on top of Mal's tombstone. Natara didn't bother swatting it away; instead, she let it be free to do as it wished.

"Do you remember when we fell in love?" Natara's throat formed a lump as she said that four-letter word that she could never be able to say to Mal in person anymore. "I remember it, Mal."

And she did recall. Every second of it.

She remembered when Mal brushed his hand across her cheek to wipe of some of the blood that had been drawn from the scratch Natara had gotten from trying to run away from Joseph Matters.

"Sorry," he had whispered.

Natara had smiled. "It's fine, Mal. You saved my life. Joseph would've shot me if it wasn't for you."

Mal had given her a mischievous grin...and a tight hug. "You're welcome. You are my best friend after all."

Still smiling, Natara had given her partner a playful hit in his arm. "Am I _just_a best friend?"

Mal had shaken his head and gently wrapped his arms around her waist. "Nah. You're more than that, Nat."

And he had gently, but tenderly kissed her. It only lasted a few seconds, but the after-feeling had stayed on Natara's lips forever, snapping her thoughts back into present-day.

There was a small corner of her top lip that slightly burned...the same corner that Mal had kissed several years ago. Natara closed her eyes and continued. "Mal, do you remember our first New Year's as a couple? And how you kissed me when the big apple in New York was dropped? I hope you do remember. We shared some good memories."

But Natara didn't stop talking to her husband. "Everyone's so sad, Mal. Captain Yeong isn't the same. She's quiet and speaks in a hushed tone of voice. Ken doesn't talk much, either. Kai cries a lot. And I don't blame him. I cry too."

Natara blinked and clenched her teeth as more tears fell. "I'm crying right now, Mal. Can you see me? I wish you could."

She sat next to the tombstone and sighed, continuing with what she was saying before. "Amy doesn't seem like herself, either. Something about her...it's changed. She's not the same. She doesn't laugh at anybody's jokes anymore. I think I know why."

Natara silently stayed sitting on the grass and hugged her knees, feeling like a helpless child. "You were so funny, Mal..." she went on. "You made everybody laugh, especially me. There wasn't a day that went by that you didn't crack a stupid joke that made me smile." She eyeballed the photograph. Even in that picture, Mal was wearing a grin.

His wife sighed and shook her head, letting a few droplets of rain coming from the sky nip at her tear-stained cheeks.

"I don't know why I'm talking to you, Mal. It seems really out-of-personality for me to do so..." Natara's voice trailed off as she shivered, the breeze around her becoming cooler and cooler by the second. "...but I feel like I have to. I need to tell you what's going on, Mal. How the SFPD's doing. How Thomas is doing. How I'm doing."

She leaned down and picked a white daisy from the grass. Its color was so light and sophisticated; reminding Natara of her wedding dress.

"I know you remember when we got married, Mal. You were wearing a handsome black tuxedo with a rose in the pocket," Natara reminisced. "and you were so nervous. I remember walking down the aisle, but my father wasn't next to me. Instead, my uncle took his place. I remember that Ken was your best man, and Neha was my maid of honor. I remember when you said 'I do' and kissed me. But that kiss felt different than all the others we'd previously shared, Mal. Because that kiss was my first as a married woman. Seems silly, right?" Natara asked the photograph, and couldn't help but feel a little disappointed when it didn't respond.

"Well, women are like that, I guess. Always keeping track of our milestones and firsts. And your kiss was the first I had shared with you as Mrs. Fallon."

Natara leaned her head against the cold stone of the tomb. It soothed the abnormal warmth in her forehead as she spoke.

"Mal... Martin Hodgett's bullet that went into your chest is changing my life forever. I can't even begin to express that right now," Natara whispered, leaning in so that her lips nearly touched Mal's photo. "I miss you so damn much that it hurts. My heart hurts. Hodgett's bullet left a scar in my heart. It sounds cheesy, but it's true. You've never been the cheesy girl type. But you married me. I guess that's a disclaimer."

She sighed and rubbed her forehead, trying to clear her brain of all these painful memories. But one stayed behind- the most dreadful of them all. Natara's eyes filled with tears again as she began to ponder about it.

She stood up and dropped the final flower on Mal's grave, hands trembling the entire time. She didn't want to let go of it. It was the last thing she could hold onto that seemed to hold so many memories. So many, yet so few.

Natara let it fall from her fingers, and it landed right in front of Mal's picture.

"I'm sorry."

Her whisper was so painful that it hurt her throat to say.

"Mal, we argued the day you died."

Natara shut her eyes tightly as tears continuously streaked down her cheeks. They came in floods of sadness and regret. For a moment, she began to sob uncontrollably, but held herself together as she cleared her throat and spoke to the grave once more.

"You invested in a few stocks the other day. It didn't do well; we lost a few thousand dollars. I yelled at you a lot in the car on the way to work, telling you that you made an awful decision to buy all those stocks, and that you didn't know how to manage _anything. _Truth is, I was mainly just having a bad day and mad that you took all of the oatmeal that morning."

She sighed and tried not to cry until she was done speaking.

"But Amy told me at work that you were only investing in them so you could make more money to pay for a giant trip for two to Europe, just you and me. She said that she was willing to babysit Thomas until we got back, and that Mal wanted it to be a surprise.

"So I ran back to the bullpen to tell you that I was sorry for everything; I felt really bad. By then, you were gone with Ken to go arrest Martin Hodgett. So I waited and waited. There were no new cases for me for the day, according to Captain Yeong."

Natara wanted to sob, but kept composure.

"Then Captain told me you were in the hospital…she said that you'd been shot in your chest. You were in the ER. The doctors told me that they couldn't get the bullet out…it had been lodged somewhere in your ribcage. I ran to your room, Mal, and I saw you on your deathbed."

She paused for a minute, a cry itching her throat, but gave in as she broke down into tears, shuddering violently. Floods of tears flowed down her cheeks a loose wail left her lips. Natara hadn't cried this hard since Mal died. She couldn't even begin to soak in the fact that Mal had left this earth amidst an argument or anything stressful.

"Mal!" she cried. "Mal, you were crying on your deathbed. You had tears spilling down your face, and you made little sobbing noises. You told me you were crying because you weren't going to make it. You said that you loved Thomas and everyone at the SFPD. Then you told me you loved me."

The grey clouds allowed more droplets of rain to tumble to the grass as Natara quickly and frantically ran her fingers through her hair, letting another cry escape from her lips. She sighed and spoke those awful words.

"And you died."

Natara knew it was game-over. Brooding wouldn't do her any good anymore. Mal was gone; and she had to come to accept that. She stood up and fingered the photograph of her husband once more, silently begging that he'd come alive at her fingertips.

But nothing happened.

A sigh left her lips as she picked the photograph up. She began to walk away, but ink on the back of the photo caught her eye as she flipped it over.

_No._

_No, no, no._

It couldn't be. There was a note on the back…but it wasn't in Mal's handwriting.

Natara's eyes quickly fogged up with tears as she began to read.

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><p><em>Nat, if you're reading this…I'm dead. I asked the nurse to write this letter because she found the photo in my wallet and I wanted to leave a note for you. I also asked her to make sure it was placed on my grave. So, if you're reading this, I've been buried and you're probably agonizing over my death, crying your eyes out.<em>

_Please don't do that._

_Nat, I love you so much that it hurts. And I love Thomas. I adore our family and friends and everyone that has made my life special. Now that my world's coming to a close, I need you to do one thing for me, Natara._

_Keep your head up._

_Please? I've never really been one to beg. Don't let my death kill you inwardly or I will haunt you down as a ghost. I'm serious. Even if you don't believe in ghosts, I do. And I _will _make sure you never let your head down. I know it's hard right now for you. Believe me; it's hard for me as well. After all, I _am _the one dying._

_Don't let anybody get you down, Nat. No matter who it is, keep your head up and accomplish whatever you want to. You're smart, beautiful, witty, and strong. There's nothing you _can't _do, Natara._

_So, keep your head up and never let it down._

_Ok, I hear your footsteps coming down the hall, and my vision is turning slightly red. The doctors said I was lucky to live this long; it _was _a hit to the chest, anyways._

_I love you more than you could imagine._

_-Mal_

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><p>Natara gasped as she traced the loopy letters with her finger. That was when she noticed that it had stopped raining and the skies had turned a light blue, just like one of the blended colors that made up Mal's gorgeous eyes.<p>

The light wind tickled Natara's cheeks as she threw her head back and faced the gorgeous blue sky. Breezes that entered her nose were sweet-smelling and soothed her nervousness with every whiff. Natara kept her head up until she felt all of the blood rush up to her skull, giving her a head rush.

Then she rotated her neck slightly so that her head was lower and facing the photo of Mal.

"I'm keeping my head up, Mal. I'll never let it down."

She let out a watery laugh.

"See me?"

And Natara walked away, placing the photo of Mal back on the tombstone. She knew what she had to do—what Mal had asked of her.

You've got to keep your head up; sometimes, that's the only way to get through tough times.


End file.
